Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
