When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
