she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I fill condoms, not promises.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
