Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
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The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
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The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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