how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
