did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
