I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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