I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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