Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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