I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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