if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
