there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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