i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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