I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Houston, we have a squirter
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
