If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I want her autograph on my taint
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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