He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
being pregnant is like rehab
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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