His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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