It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
