I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
