Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
