Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
