What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Randomize
