Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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