Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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