Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
