i don't like sucking hair
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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