1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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