I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Two words: nipple clamps
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