Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Randomize
