in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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