Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
