So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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