she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
sarcasm needs its own font
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
