Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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