So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
