false alarm. still invincible.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
