I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
