It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
