Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
As shirtless as possible
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
