just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
