hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
