youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
