I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
