eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
