My first STD was from a foam party
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
