Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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