I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
