A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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