Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
