I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
