Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
