the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
