he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
