True but thats because hes a fetus.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
