yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
