Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
