R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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