Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
