Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
