remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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