im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm eating all of the evidence.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
