a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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